five rad finds, deconstruction edition

for those who have left churches, been hurt by religion, or don't know how to feel about it all these days...

five rad finds is a short and sweet series where i share things from my life and the internet that i’ve been loving lately.

maybe it’s because noah kahan put out a new album, maybe it’s because i’ve settled into church-free sundays, maybe i’m just feeling more brave, but i’ve been sharing more openly on my social media about my journey in leaving church and deconstructing my faith.

it’s been… mostly good! a little scary! kind of daunting!

i’ve kept so much of my processing about this whole thing behind a paywall, mostly for my sanity (and a bit for my safety). when you spend 12 years at a megachurch of several thousand people, and live in a city the size of richmond, it’s inevitable that these things get back to the very people you’re talking about… and i just didn’t want to deal with that.

funnily enough, the VERY SAME DAY that i posted a carousel set to a noah kahan song about starting over, which essentially was my first big “YOU HURT ME, CHURCH” post on my instagram, i was at a baseball game with my whole work team and GUESS WHO WAS SITTING RIGHT BY US. oh, just THE ENTIRE STAFF OF THE CHURCH I LEFT. i can’t make this shit up!!! it was both university of richmond night at the ballpark AND, coincidentally, faith night. how fun!!! and one of the worship leaders sang the national anthem, so the whole crew shouldn’t up in support. yay!!! these are people i haven’t seen in over 3 years since i left. not a SINGLE ONE of them has said anything to me since then. my former BEST friend, like truly my ride or die and partner in crime and right hand woman, walked by me and didn’t even make eye contact. it was, in a word, HARD. i was brave and went over to say hi, and they were all verrrryyyy nice (of course) which made things even worse? like, y’all feel so phony to me? where have you been for the last three years when i really could have used support and community and friends like i thought we were??? it spurred a brief anxiety attack and a crying session i really would have rather avoided AT A BASEBALL GAME, but i survived, and i’m proud of myself for how i handled seeing everyone all together all at once after so long, and i hope it never happens again.

ANYWAY.

all of that to say, i wanted to share some things i’ve loved over the last few years as my faith deconstruction has ramped up and i’ve really been Doing The Work. i hope they’re a balm to you if this is something you’re walking through, too!

here are a few rad finds that have been helpful or comforting to me along my deconstruction journey:

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🌄 find #1: field notes for the wilderness

i could really include all of sarah’s catalog here — jesus feminist was instrumental to me early on in my deconstruction, out of sorts gave me permission to let my faith evolve, miracles and other reasonable things gave me hope again…

but goodness, field notes for the wilderness is essential reading for anyone on a journey of figuring things out and feeling lost and unsure what to do when things get a lot less clear.

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🎧 find #2: faith adjacent

this podcast is one of my most faves (as are the others from the popcast media group, the popcast with knox and jamie, and shelf respect!)

the way Erin H Moon, Evan | Evan's Quilt Emporium, and Jamie B. Golden unpack both culture and faith is so refreshing — i pay to be part of their seminary community on patreon and it’s SO worth it. their “favored or forsaken” episodes bring topics, current events, media, etc to the table to discuss if they are good for the christians or bad for the christians, and i am always impressed at the nuance, honesty, and groundedness in their conversations.

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🫱🏼‍🫲🏽 find #3: spiritual direction

this is less of a linkable thing and more of a suggestion, but having a spiritual director i meet with monthly (and have for years!) has been a gamechanger in my faith journey.

Emily P. Freeman has a great podcast episode on “how to find a spiritual director” that’s helpful for getting started, as is “spiritual direction for beginners” — she describes spiritual direction as “The practice of spiritual direction is like walking quietly into the woods. Rather than leading the way for you, a spiritual director is a trained listener who walks prayerfully beside you, waiting with you as you wait for your soul to emerge.”

yes, that!

sometimes, i come to my sessions (not with emily, but with another incredible human i connected with out of the evolving faith community) with a clear thing i want to talk about or unpack. sometimes, i come with no clue what i’m thinking or feeling. she helps me figure it out, and holds space for all of my questions, and is gentle in her guidance and wisdom, but so helpful at every turn.

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🎶 find #4: this playlist

it’s a work in progress and i’m always adding songs as they come across my desk, but it’s helped SO MUCH to have songs that put words around the vast, complex, unique experience that is deconstructing. some are overt, some are more subtle, some just speak to how it all feels even if not at all written to be about church hurt, but fit the vibe (for me!). any come to mind for you that i should add?

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📚 find #5: even more books!

early last year, i rounded up a buuuunch of books i’ve read throughout my faith deconstruction, and there are truly so many good ones in here. whether you want to explore racial justice, leaving church, lgbtqia+ rights/love/etc, there’s something in here to help you along the way.

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would love to hear if there are things you’ve found helpful in your own journey — please feel free to add recs in the comments!

grateful for you all.

xo, rad

ps— here’s where you can find me online: goodreads / storygraph / tiktok / bookstagram / instagram / pinterest / my website / benable